Active Listening Skills

I distinctly remember one day in the 7th grade where Mrs. Tunzi, my elementary school teacher at the time, had to explain to us the difference between hearing and listening. What I gather from that conversation is that hearing is more of a physical concept. When we speak, we emit sounds that enter our ears and are processed through interactions between our nerves. Listening, however, requires us to interpret this input of sounds and derive meaning from it. It's perception.

Anyone with a functioning ear can hear, but, it takes skill to listen.

As a therapist, one of my best tools is active listening. Active listening is a skill that conveys to the speaker that the receiver is understanding the message that is delivered. How do you show others that you are listening?

Summarizing. Remember in school we were always given the daunting task of summarizing text when writing papers? This is exactly that. We summarize (not parrot) what we have heard the speaker say in our own words. This shows that you are listening to content and you're doing it so well that you can rephrase in your own words.

Validation. This requires you to "pick out" an emotion within the content. If your girlfriend is complaining about her boss, the emotion that you would draw from that is frustration, annoyance, pity and/or disgust. When you communicate this emotion to her, she knows, HANDS DOWN, that you were paying attention on a deep level.

Asking Open-Ended Questions. Asking questions draws more information from the speaker and shows them that you are genuinely interested in what they are talking about. You want to avoid closed questions where the speaker is likely to answer with a yes or a no. Rather than asking them, "Did you feel upset?" you can ask them, "How did that make you feel?" The difference between the responses are large.

Clarification. Sometimes we may misinterpret the speaker's content. Asking for clarification is a great way of conveying to the speaker that you are concerned about the accuracy of your interpretation. If you are incorrect, there is always room for adjustment. If you are correct, the speaker knows that you are both on the same page. Either way, the speaker appreciates that you are willing to understand them.

Non-verbal cues. Remember that communication is 90% non-verbal. Use your body to show that you are fully attentive to the speaker. Make eye-contact, smile (but not unnecessarily), face your bodies together, and nod when needed.

Like any new skill, this does take practice. Though difficult to incorporate right away, it's not impossible. Try it out!