Life Hack: Assertiveness Training- Part 1/2

If last week's post wasn't a hint, today's post will make it very clear to you. Assertiveness and I have a near non-existent relationship. Somewhere between being a know-it-all who didn't care about the feelings and opinions of others (read: aggressive) and being someone who then became overly sensitive to others and their needs (read: passive), I did not develop any assertiveness along the way. I went from one extreme to another.

Assertive communication, as I understand it, is the happy medium between aggressive and passive communication. It is a toned down version of aggressive communication but an upbeat version of passive communication. In comparing the two, someone who practices aggressive communication does not take into account the needs of others and ignores opinions that are different from their own. Passive communicators, on the other hand, neglect to express his or her own opinion and fail to protect their needs. Combining these two, assertive communicators respect the opinions of the other, hears them out, but also expresses their own. These communicators are also more willing to "agree to disagree".

So, I've been a passive communicator for most of my adult life and I've realized that this was no longer working for me. It was time for a change. I was taught that this form of communication requires three steps:

1. A kind remark using empathy/compliment

2. Communicating your needs or concerns

3. Coming up with a compromise or problem-solving solution

Here are a few examples of assertive dialogue to illustrate:

“You’re doing your best for the family and it’s difficult to balance so many things at one time (kind remark using empathy). However, I have noticed that when you’re stressed, you become snippy with me and it hurts my feelings (expression of needs or concerns). Is there anything I can do to ease your stress? (Compromise or problem-solving)

“I know you’re worried about my health. Finding out that kind of information can be scary (kind remark using empathy). However, this is scarier for me than it is for you (expression of needs or concerns). It would be very helpful for me if you could hold onto your comments and support me emotionally in the time being.” (Compromise or problem-solving)

“I am very lucky to have a husband who is so carefree and fun to be around (compliment). But, I want to let you know that it really upsets me to come home to a messy place (expression of needs or concern). Would you mind just picking up after yourself when you get home and change out of your work clothes?” (Compromise or problem-solving)

So anyway, there have only been a handful of instances where I had to use these assertive communication skills because the opportunities are few and far in between. As a result, it becomes difficult to hone the skill. With that being said, however, I have found the perfect life hack to practice this. Stay tuned for my second post this week to read about my brilliant idea.