How to be that "Go To" Person

Last month, I had the pleasure of being a speaker at Rehumanity Foundation's Mental Health Gala here in North York, Ontario. The organization is an international, student-led, non-profit that aims at connecting young adults and advocating for change through their various initiatives in their communities. When I was first approached and asked if I was interested in attending, I was quick to agree! I am a sucker for student-run organizations that hope to bring big changes in the world. Here is what I shared with the students.

Before I begin, I would like to thank ReHumanity Foundation for inviting me to speak at today’s event. I think that it’s important to educate and bring awareness to important concepts, such as mental health, to our youth, because you truly are a glimpse into what the future holds, so I am honoured to be a part of that growing process.

Unlike my colleagues, I have not prepared a powerpoint, so you’ll be stuck staring at my mug for the next 10-15 mins, sorry, not sorry. But that’s ok, I really want to focus my talk today on the importance of human connection, so feel free to make as much eye contact with me, no matter how uncomfortable it makes you feel. I know that these days we live in a world where we are glued to our screens and we often forget the importance of that one-on-one connection.

When I sat down to think about the topic for my talk, I really wanted to pick something that maybe I wish I knew as a young adult. A little background, I went to St. Joseph’s Morrow Park, an all girls Catholic high school here in North York. Don’t feel bad for me. I actually really enjoyed my four years there. I would even vouch that it was the best four years of my life. I did a lot of growing, learning, and discovering more about myself. I had a group of friends whom I called my best friends and we continue to friends to this day. In fact, we’re all hanging out tonight.

Even though I had a group of friends that I enjoyed spending copious amount of time talking about boys, school, teachers, and the alike, I also learned about how much of a lone wolf I was. I, for some reason, would be happy to share about what I was up to the night before or about upcoming assignments, but never really interested in talking about anything serious.

I would never bring up how the guy I was talking to at the time made me feel insecure because he would tell me about how much of a great person I am, but that I was “undateable” to him. My friends had no idea how much my parents were fighting at home and how my sister and I were put in the middle and pulled in every direction. They didn’t even know the fear I had with bringing home my report card because I was pulling low 80s instead of the high 90s my parents were expecting.

I think back and wonder, why? These are trivial, normal things that any teen would experience, yet I felt that I could not share any of this with the group of girls I called my best friends.

Well, it had to do with fear. Fear of what they would say, what they would think of me, and whether they even cared or not. I wasn’t comfortable in sharing vulnerability with them. Which is unfortunate because it taught me to keep my problems to myself.

According to mental health and wellness professionals, there are eight components of mental wellness. All eight need to be working in balance in order for one to feel like they are practicing mental wellness. I’ll go through each of these with you.

Physical Wellness

• Occupational/Academic Wellness

• Financial Wellness

• Spiritual Wellness

• Environmental Wellness

• Intellectual Wellness

• Emotional Wellness

• Social Wellness

Given what I’ve shared with you so far, which of these do you think I was struggling with as a teen?

Emotional and Social Wellness

I had all these emotions pent up, not really sure what to do with it and it led me learn how to numb my emotions. People always wondered why I

never got angry or sad about anything. That’s because I learned very quickly that these were scary emotions and I wouldn’t allow myself to feel it. I would either heavily distract myself with whatever TV show I was into at the time or just kept my schedule busy enough to not devote any time to feeling.

My social wellness suffered because I didn’t have a person to share my emotions with. And don’t get me wrong, I’m sure that my girlfriends would’ve been great people to spill my guts to, but I was reserved in that sense and I really wanted to make sure that whoever I did share my secrets with was someone who I can trust.

Today, I want to teach you all about how to be that person. How can you be the person that someone can feel comfortable sharing their vulnerability? How do you communicate that you are a genuine, caring friend?

I am a psychotherapist by profession, and so my job, day in and day out, requires me to be present when someone shares their secrets and vulnerabilities with me. I have to convey that I am a trustworthy individual and that our environment is a safe space. How do I do that?

Any guesses?

Sometimes, it’s as simple as just listening.

Not many people know this, but listening is an art. I’m not even joking, in grad school, we had to take a whole course in listening.

I’m going make your life a little easier and give you all a little crash course on ACTIVE LISTENING. Active listening is a skill that shows that you are participating in the conversation, even as a listener and in a meaningful way. These skills help you to listen to understand.

Summarizing - You know how in school, your teachers always ask you to summarize a piece of text for your assignments? This is exactly that. Rephrase what your friend is saying to show that you are listening to content. Remember that you’re not parroting (repeating exactly what they’ve told you), but you are rephrasing in your own words to show that you heard them loud and clear and that you’re on the same page.

Validation – This means that you are listening to the emotion that is coming out of this conversation and you are communicating that you recognize it. SO, if your friend is complaining about how difficult her teacher is in marking, you may recognize that she’s feeling frustrated, defeated, confused. You can then pitch these emotions to her “yah, you work so hard hoping for a good mark, only to feel defeated when you get your paper back”. When you communicate the emotion piece to her, it shows her, HANDS DOWN, that you were paying attention on a deep level.

Asking Open-Ended Questions - Asking questions draws more information from the speaker and shows them that you are genuinely interested in what they are talking about. You want to avoid closed questions where the speaker is likely to answer with a yes or a no. Rather than asking them, "Did you feel upset?" you can ask them, "How did that make you feel?" The difference between the responses are large.

Clarification - Sometimes we may misinterpret the speaker's content. Asking for clarification is a great way of conveying to the speaker that you are concerned about the accuracy of your interpretation. If you are incorrect, there is always room for adjustment. If you are correct, the speaker knows that you are both on the same page. Either way, the speaker appreciates that you are willing to understand them.

Non-verbal cues - Remember that communication is 90% non-verbal. Use your body to show that you are fully attentive to the speaker. Make eye-contact, smile (but not unnecessarily), face your bodies together, and nod when needed.

Show Empathy and Non-Judgment – Empathy plays a big role in how I run my practice. Empathy is the ability to put yourself in someone’s shoes and see their reality through their lens. You don’t necessarily have to agree with their perspective, but you can show them that you get it. This requires you to take a non-judgmental stance, which is hard, we’re human, but you’d be surprised at how helpful this piece really is.

For me, my fear came from fear of judgement. What would my friends think of me when I repeatedly chased the wrong guy? What would they think of my family if they knew about the troubles at home? What would they think about me when I complain about that 80%? When I felt safe enough and that I wouldn’t be judged, it made me feel like I could unload on a friend and this changed my life for the better.

Today, I have a handful of people that I can turn to when the going gets tough, and they do practice the art of listening, and that’s what helped me improve my emotional and social wellness. I hope that after this talk, you go out there into the world and lead by example of what it means to be a good friend, even if it’s something as simple as listening.