Installing Resilience
I whole-heartedly agree, however, I propose a slight change to the following quote
It's one thing to say that you have gone through a life filled with many obstacles and challenges, but it's another to actually learn from these experiences. It's easy to be stuck in a victim stance, but it takes much more effort to rise from hardship. The skills and the life lessons that you take from any experience, good or bad, are the same skills that you will use again and again, but in different contexts. Whether it's something simple like kindness, gratitude or humility, or something complex like confidence, assertiveness or motivation, every waking moment contributes to developing these skills. Yet, we struggle with actually enhancing these skills. Why?
We don't take the time to learn from our experiences. Often, when dealing with a troubling situation, we are quick to find a solution and move on, not giving it another thought. We are quick to recognize that we have solved a problem but we don't take the time to relish in that awesome feeling of knowing that the worst is behind us. Instead, we completely by-pass that "feel good" moment and move on. How then can the lesson/solution become engrained within us? How can we expect these skills to solidify if we haven't absorbed it. It's like expecting to ace Calculus 101 by attending all the lectures but never completing a single problem set. You may be learning about how to solve problems or about mathematical theorems, but unless you put pen to paper and try out these problems, absorb the concepts, and recognize when to apply your skills and knowledge, you're not acing Calc.
The same applies to life skills. According to Rick Hanson, a neuropsychologist, in order to truly learn from our experiences, we must enrich them, that is, enhance the learning experience. He suggests five ways to do so:
1. Extend the experience- Take some time to replay the events. What did you do? What was helpful? What did you feel within yourself? What was the challenge? How did you motivate yourself to get past the challenge?
2. Intensify the experience- Take a look at how you can utilize your five senses here. What was the environment like? How could you activate your senses here?
3. Embody the experience- Where did you feel it physically? How did your body respond to this experience? What physiological cues were at play here? (See here to determine your physiological emotions profile)
4. Freshen the experience- What was the novelty in this experience? What was different about this compared to other times? What new information about yourself did you gather? What did you learn?
5. What is the relevance of this experience? - Why does this experience matter? What difference would it make if you did not experience this?
In asking yourself these questions, you are increasing the lasting effects of these experiences. The neurons within the brain make stronger connections between the skills/lessons learned and the causing events. In this way, on a neurological level, you are strengthening that skill. The next time you face a challenge and are in desperate need of a confidence boost, think of a time where you felt confident and use the above five to activate your confidence. This essentially takes you back to a time where you were triumphant and it helps "install" that skill.
Try it out and let me know what you think!