THE FOUR HORSEMAN OF THE APOCALYPSE IN RELATIONSHIPS

So you just got into a fight with your significant other. This is the third one this week. Ever wonder if this relationship is even worth it? Is this relationship even going to work out? Why put yourself through a relationship if it's just going to bring you misery?

What if I told you that there is a way to predict whether or not your relationship has a fighting chance of survival? What if you knew a way to determine whether your relationship can get on the mend or that there's impending doom. Keep reading.

John Gottman is known as the relationship god in the psychological community. His Love Lab has hosted many observational studies that shed light into relationship stability. One of Gottman's most famous discoveries was the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse in relationships. Here, Gottman could predict with 93% accuracy of whether a relationship was going to last or not. He didn't just look at conflict-let's face it, conflict occurs in all relationships- he looked at the nature of conflict.

According to Gottman there are four indicators that a relationship is headed in the wrong direction in which he aptly named the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse:

Criticism- Attacking one's character or personality rather than the behaviour itself. Instead of telling your partner that you get ticked off when he leaves his socks by the bed, you criticize him as a person. "You're so messy. I have to keep cleaning up after you." "You're so stupid. When are you going to learn that socks belong in the hamper?" are attacks on personality rather than misbehaviour.

Defensiveness- Assuming that you are not capable of doing wrong. This is a two-point problem. 1) You are not willing to see that you share responsibility with the issue at hand and 2) you are unwilling to hear your partner out. If you already assume you are right, nothing will convince you otherwise.

Contempt- Showing blatant disrespect for your partner by using your words and non-words to communicate that you dislike them. This includes rolling your eyes, sneering, mocking, and harmful sarcasm. These passive-aggressive forms of anger and dislike send loud messages.

Stonewalling- Ladies, we are more likely to do this: the evergreen silent treatment. Though satisfying in the moment, it can lead to some serious damage. Being completely unresponsive to your partner shows that you have no regard to what he/she is saying and you put yourself out of the relationship.

Relationships require work. Healthy relationships just don't come easily. Though it can be trying at times, if it's really worth it and it brings you great joy, we have to make an effort to keep it together. Avoid the Four Horsemen and use effective relationship development tools that would enhance your relationship.