A Therapist Responds to your Tweets
This week my eyes found themselves browsing through a hilarious Buzzfeed article that is a compilation of honest tweets from those who have been in therapy. Being as empathic as I am, I wanted to put myself into the shoes of these clients (and some of mine) to get a feel for what they feel in the therapy room. I can verify that some of these tweets are accurate and I have had my own clients ask me these same questions. I thought it would be fun for me to address some of these tweets to get the therapist's side of the story. You can view the full article here: 27 Tweets That Only Someone in Therapy Will Relate to on a Deep, Dark Level
This is something that I come across often. My clients are genuinely surprised at how much I remember from our conversations. It's a skill, that's for sure. Just like any skill, it requires a lot of practice and attention to detail. As part of strengthening memory, we associate concepts, ideas, people, stories, etc., to multiple factors. When there are multiple factors in play, the association is greater and the memory stronger. I rely on my visual memory- therefore, as clients give me a narrative, I picture it in my mind as if I was there. If I am able to recall this imagery, I am able to recall aspects/details of the story. These details make it into my notes after our session, which is then recapped before the beginning of our next session, further strengthening the memory. Cool, right?
I seldom recommend therapy twice a week (mostly due to financial constraints) but also because I'm not sure how much effective work can be done between session. I prefer clients having one week's worth of "data" to collect and time to practice what we've discussed in session. That being said, if a client presents with lots of ongoing issues that are compiled with historical trauma and multiple layers of concern, twice a week is a great option because it allows clients to process their past and present in a timely manner. I also love the idea of 2-hour sessions once a week so that we can really take our time peeling through the layers, processing the information, creating connections, drawing patterns and applying what we know in present day struggles.
I actually think there are no wrong answers or decisions in therapy (with, obviously, the exception of extreme decisions that can endanger someone's life). I say this because every perceived "setback" is actually a lesson to be learned. When I meet with clients who want to get a handle on their anger, I'm not expecting them to be on their best behaviour all the time. We are human after all and prone to making mistakes. What matters is that we take these "mistakes" as learning opportunities. What was the lesson here? What can you take from this experience? What can you do to avoid making the same mistake again?
How true is this statement?! A lot of our current behaviours can be explained by something that has happened in the past. How we behave today is a result of a learned experience that we've deemed to be helpful or protective. The problem is that sometimes we over do it and these behaviours become maladaptive and cause significant stress. This is usually when my clients decide to come in for therapy.
I had to think a little about this tweet, wondering if any of my clients would experience this - a few come to mind. These clients are usually the goal/task/results oriented clients who measure success based on levels of progress. They usually practice this in their personal lives at work, school and home. I'm sure therapy is no different for them. These are the clients who do well with homework assignments with tangible results. As the tweet indicates, there's nothing wrong with this, especially because these clients are oriented this way. I will say this, however, there are no grades in therapy.
This is very true. Not only do I know about my client's families, I know about their friends, significant others, the one kid in the 3rd grade that bullied them, their high school teacher, you name it. This doesn't happen often, but I have had an incident where I was seeing the daughter of someone who was later referred to me to take on as a client. I couldn't take on this new client because it posed a conflict of interest. Besides, my perception of this mother was already biased by what I was hearing from her daughter. I knew about herself and her family before she even had her first session!
My thoughts when my clients are crying: " Oh no, I've said something triggering. Now what? Ok, stay calm, set the tone. Don't rush to grab a tissue. Don't rush to offer water. Where do I look? What do I say? Do I give them a moment? Oh god, they don't prepare us enough for this." Despite practicing psychotherapy for 6 years, I still struggle with crying. I just sit there in silence waiting for my client to regain composure. If that's not happening any time soon, I leave to grab water - there, cry in peace!
News Flash! We see through it. Humour is usually a defence mechanism, especially humour that is intended to put yourself down. We're making note of it and our job is to tease that out of you (no pun intended). If you're creating an image, we do our best to break that down for you. Therapy is meant to be a place of no judgement and as your therapist, our job is to convey that through our demeanour. If you're not comfortable enough to share your real self in therapy, chances are that your therapist isn't the right fit OR you have to cross that bridge and get comfortable in being honest in the therapy room.
Sometimes it really isn't your fault. I get the impression that many of clients feel unnecessary guilt because they take on the habit of thinking that "it's my fault." Luckily, therapy also provides a third person objective view that is able to see any situation for what it is. "You decided to cut someone out of your life? Why would you keep them around after what they did to you?" "Your friend stopped talking to you because you confronted them? That's on them then." It's not always your fault! Remember, this is not about having your therapist take your side! It's an objective point of view.
The ultimate validation, am I right? Knowing that my therapist was proud of the decisions that I made all without their help/guidance in that moment. ME? I did that? that's amazing. Clearly therapy works.
For those of you in therapy - what thoughts go through your mind when you're in session with your therapist? For those who are not in therapy, I hope this debunks some of the reservations you may have about attending therapy. It's not that scary AND as you can see, there are a lot of benefits and "ha ha" moments that are very raw and relatable.