I Hear Ya (Post 1)
You asked, we answered!
Due to popular request for instant notification to our blog postings and updates to our activities, Empathic created our very own Reader's List. Since it's creation, our list has been growing!
Recently, our readers have sent in questions regarding their daily challenges, looking for some solutions. With their permission, we've compiled these questions into a new series, "I Hear Ya". If you have a pressing question, shoot an e-mail to juliann@empathiccounselling.ca or join our Reader's List (scroll down to sign up!). Here is our first instalment of "I Hear Ya"
"Hi Empathic,
My wife and I have been married for 3 years and just like every couple, we have arguments. Recently, however, I've noticed that the intensity of our arguments have increased and I have no idea how to get the argument to simmer down. Do you have any suggestions as to what I can do to stop arguments from snowballing? -S.F"
"Hi S.F
So sorry to hear that things are increasingly getting heated between you and your wife.
Remember that it takes two to tango and if you're finding that your arguments are escalating, you may be contributing to it. For example, if your wife is speaking to you loudly, chances are that you become drawn into it and raise your voice as well. Your wife then becomes drawn to your voice and raises her own so as to overpower yours and to feel heard. The cycle then continues and before you know it, you're both in a shouting match.
To avoid arguments from snowballing, I always say "lead by example". Exhibit the behaviours that you would like your partner to exhibit during an argument. If you don't appreciate yelling, name calling, cursing, stomping your feet, etc., you too should not display those behaviours. As much as we would like to, or as tempting as it is, remember the greater good; your relationship.
Maximize on healthy and helpful behaviours, such as speaking in a calm and collected voice, active listening, and using respectful dialogue. When we practice these behaviours, we create a safe space for communication. I'm sure you know this from experience, but simply telling someone to calm down doesn't help. If anything, it makes things worse. However, if YOU are able to stay calm, your wife can feed off of your demeanour and energy and will naturally bring herself down. She herself will realize that there's no point yelling at someone who is keeping calm.
Hope this helps! Good luck!