Taking Control of PMS- Related Anger
We’ve all been there. Heated arguments with our boyfriend reminding him that dirty socks belong in the hamper. Yelling at the girl next to you in the study room because she just won't shut up. Flipping the bird to the guy who hopped into your cab after hailing it. On a seemingly normal day, we wouldn’t behave that way. Yet, somehow, just days before our periods, our ability to remain calm in most mundane situations seem impossible. It makes sense to us once our periods arrive because, “duh, my hormones made me do it”
Why is that?
It’s because these behaviours are uncharacteristic of us. There is this unwritten societal rule that a “good woman” is one who does not show aggression, rage, hostility or even express criticism. She is expected to hold her head up, accept all things and make the best of a terrible situation.
Well, you and I both know that the real world doesn’t work like that.
In studying anger, we know that between males and females, we all have similar anger triggers. Studies have shown that there is virtually no difference between what makes a woman tick and what makes a man tick. Not only that, there are similarities between the frequency and intensity of anger experienced. The difference is, however, how we choose to express anger.
Males usually go for a direct approach. They choose aggressive forms of anger through physical fights. Women, on the other hand, express anger indirectly. This is why we are more likely to talk behind each other’s backs, share gossip, and give each other cut eye when we don’t like the other. Interestingly enough, all bets are off when we approach our pre-menstrual window, and yes, your hormones made you do it.
Estrogen is responsible for keeping ourselves in control. It is this control factor that prevents us from acting on emotion. It is estrogen that tells us to keep calm and evaluate. It drives us to think before acting. In the week prior to getting our period, estrogen levels drop. Suddenly that thing that keeps you from reacting impulsively is no longer there to tell you to pump the brakes, which is why we respond to these seemingly normal triggers differently [read aggressively]. Typically, we can calmly tell our boyfriend to put his socks away, we can ignore the chatty study room neighbour, we can accept that our cab was stolen and move on to finding the next one – all thanks to estrogen. When estrogen is out of the picture, it makes it difficult to do so. We are inclined to aggressively voice ourselves and this can sometimes become physical. Combined with the fact that this is uncharacteristic of you, the “good woman”, others tend to notice our outbursts more. So, it’s not that we are angry because we’re in our pre-menstrual window, it’s that our anger style has changed and our ability to manage our anger diminishes. Instead of resorting to our quiet anger, we use expressive anger, which turns a lot of heads because it’s not very “lady-like”
Just because we’re running low on estrogen, doesn’t mean that we can render ourselves slaves to the hormonal drop. You’re a powerful, independent woman, take back your control! Here’s what you can do to tackle PMS- associated anger.
1. Recognize when anger arises – Anger just doesn’t show up unannounced. It usually has warning signs as it’s making its way to you. Whether it is an increase in heart rate, clammy hands, or a sudden surge in energy, these are signs of arising anger. When you recognize these signs, take a few deep breaths to get your heart rate back to normal. Show your body that you are calm and use this time to think about what you want to say or do next
2. Apply the Rule of 5 – When you are feeling irritated, simply ask yourself this, “Will this matter in 5 years?” If the answer is no, don’t spend more than five minutes on it. If the answer is yes, see Point 3.
3. Look for a solution, don’t focus on the problem – Anger is your body’s way of telling you that something is wrong. It is now up to you to find a solution for it. You can spend time ruminating over the problem, but that takes away time from finding a solution. When we work on finding a solution, we find comfort in knowing that we are doing something about it.
4. Take time before responding- Just because you feel anger arise, it doesn’t mean you have to act on it right away. Step away from the trigger and do something that will bring about a state of calmness. Go for a jog, play with your dog, take a shower, put on some Netflix, whatever it takes to remove or temporarily distract you from your irritations. Revisit the problem when you are calm.
5. Enter your pre-menstrual window prepared – Use tracking apps like Clue to know when you are entering your pre-menstrual window. You are now well aware that when you’re in your window, the probability of using aggressive anger is high. Use this knowledge to get your tools ready to tackle your irritations.
The key to managing PMS is to take back control over our bodies. Though we have little control over hormonal changes, we do have control over our actions. By harboring knowledge of the inside workings of your cycle, you become better at understanding the changes your body endures. Use your knowledge to maintain your appropriate anger style without having to resort to an aggressive one – there’s no need for it. Anger triggers remain the same regardless of where you are in your cycle and therefore, so should your anger style and your ability to manage it.