Gender Differences in Empathy

It's no secret that men and women are different, which is what makes relationships tricky. Over time we learn how to "fit" with our partner to make our relationship work. Today I give thought to how empathy differs between the genders. The general consensus is that women are more empathic than men. I tend to have a differing opinion. I think that men are just as capable of being empathic but tend to skip this realization and go straight into problem-solving.

Allow me to illustrate:

Jeff and Susan are married. Jeff works a 9-5 job and Susan is a housewife. It's Thursday morning: laundry day. Susan wakes up, sees Jeff off to work and brings down a load of laundry into their laundry room. As she begins to load the machine, she realizes that none of the functions are working. Turns out the machine is broken. This puts her in a spin because the rest of her day is now disrupted. It is now evening time and Jeff arrives home to see Susan on the couch, visibly upset. He asks her what's wrong and she recounts her morning. Even though he is tired, he changes into his reno clothes, grabs his toolkit and begins working on the machine until it is fixed. He comes back upstairs to proclaim the good news to Susan who then begins to cry. Obviously Jeff is confused. He did the right thing... didn't he?

Both men and women have the ability to empathize. If you recall my earlier post, What is Empathy, you'll remember that empathy is the ability to understand and share the feelings of another. Jeff was empathic towards Susan- otherwise he would not have gone downstairs to fix the machine. However, what makes men and women different is that women tend to communicate that they understand what the other is feeling. Women utilize their feelings vocabulary to share and experience emotion while men prefer to shy away from using "feeling" words. Like most men, Jeff flew past communicating and validating emotion and went straight into problem solving.

So what could have Jeff done differently? Jeff could have briefly sat with Susan and validated her feelings before going downstairs to fix the washer. "Oh honey, that's frustrating" or " Jeez, that must have thrown your day off" or "It really sucks when things don't go as planned" are great ways of showing understanding of her emotions. Providing an opportunity to vent and dish out frustration would also be appreciated.

Your interaction with your partner in cases like this can be summarized as such: Avoid skipping the validation period and going straight to problem-solving (though just as important). Remind yourself that this is a necessary step in showing empathy