Shame and Guilt: Same but Different
Recently, the topic of shame and guilt has become more and more frequent in my sessions in the last few weeks and I thought it would be helpful to share my little nuggets of knowledge on the topic. Feelings of shame and guilt can sometimes become so strong that it can dictate the way we behave and how we view ourselves.
Before we dive into it, I want to outline what the difference is between guilt and shame, as they are often used interchangeably, when really there is a difference between them. Guilt is a feeling that emerges when we have wronged someone. It is a sense of remorse for disrupting our relationships and the accompanying regret encourages us to mend them. Shame, on the other hand, is also a sense of remorse, but taken one step further. Shame is a painful state that makes us believe that we are bad. That is, "I've done something bad, therefore, I am bad".
Shame and guilt are not considered basic emotions. These emotions are derived through social conditioning and evolution. Think about why shame and guilt would be helpful in our caveman eras. If you don't feel guilt, remorse, or shame for an inappropriate behaviour and you do not rectify the situation, your chances of survival significantly decrease. Who would want to help support you? Therefore, in order to avoid feeling guilty and shameful, we avoid wronging others.
Believe it or not, we first learn shame and guilt from our primary caregivers. How our parents disciplined us can determine how strongly we associate shame as a personal trait. I want you to think about a time you got in trouble as a child. I remember this one time I shook a can of Coke in the living room and opened it not knowing that it can explode (this was the first time I learned that shaking a Coke can = lots of bubbles) and the sugary fizz puddled onto our new rug. My parents were furious. I distinctly remember both of them standing side-by-side with a disappointed look on their faces. I immediately started crying because I knew that I did something wrong.
Obviously parents have to discipline, otherwise things would get chaotic. With discipline comes shame and guilt - there's no way to avoid it. However, what's helpful in healing shame is providing closure after discipline. Explaining to the child why they were disciplined, pulling out our "feelings vocabulary" to explain why, and further strengthening our bond with our child teaches that they are not bad, but that their behaviour was inappropriate. This then leads to improved self-esteem, confidence, emotion regulation and the development of a moral compass. Without this closure, the child begins to believe that they are bad, thus forming shame and ingraining it in their identity.
The next time you begin to feel guilty for something that you have done, remember that guilt is good. It encourages you to mend relationships, admit wrong, and makes you think twice for next time. What you want to avoid is shame. Some of us find this challenging because shame may be deeply embedded within us, but that doesn’t mean we can’t change this. If safe to do so, talk to someone about what is making you feel this way. Work yourself out of shame and into guilt – it’s more productive.
Remember that we're human and we all make mistakes. Mistakes don't define us- it's what we learn from those mistakes and how we proceed that do.