Dealing with Grief
Grief is an emotion of deep sorrow that is felt especially when we have lost someone to death. It doesn't, however, have to be limited to death. Sometimes we feel grief during a breakup. Other times we can feel it when our favourite co-worker leaves for another job. Grief can also be felt when we are passed up on a promotion. Whatever the situation, grief is felt when we lose one thing - our identity.
Think about it this way. When we lose a loved one in death, we lose a part of our identity. You are no longer a wife, husband, son, daughter, friend, aunt, uncle, nephew, niece, whatever it is. The same happens in the loss of a relationship. You are no longer so and so's girlfriend or boyfriend. You are no longer someone's wife or husband.
During loss, we are undergoing a transformation where a new identity is created. During this process, we are going through a state of disequilibrium where our self-beliefs and identities are questioned, unravelled and reorganized. That is, what was once an identity of "I am a wife" becomes questioned, taken apart and then reassessed to create a new identity - "I am a widow". It is in this transformation that we develop acceptable and the courage to move on.
However, it is in this very transformation that we screw it up for ourselves. This is a delicate transformation that requires adequate compassion, sympathy, and patience. Being human, we sometimes fail to go through this phase in a healthy manner. We are either rushing through the healing process (too much action) or we are bathing in long-lasting sorrow (no action).
In times of sorrow, we love distracting ourselves from the pain. We turn to the bottle, pop sleeping pills, and keep ourselves busy. When we do this, we are not allowing ourselves to nurture and acknowledge the pain during our state of disequilibrium. The lack of acknowledgement keeps us stuck in a place where pain never heals. Others choose to bathe in sorrow where it becomes a blanket emotion that takes over you. You ruminate and find yourself stuck - life can't go on. In this case, also, we're stuck in a place where the pain never heals. How could it? You keep replaying the pain and don't allow yourself to move forward from it.
Like with anything, we need to find that happy medium. We will have days where we want to just stay in bed and let our feelings play out. Other days we just can't bare another thought and so we keep ourselves occupied, never wanting to feel that way again. None of these work in the long term. Find a middle ground, acknowledging painful emotions as they arise but not so much that it prevents you from growing.
I recognize that this is all easier said than done. Take your time with it. No one is expecting you to be 100% right away. We all heal at our own pace. What's important is that you are making consistent effort in healing.
Know someone who is grieving but not sure how to help? My next post is just for you! I discuss how you can be a good friend during the grieving process.