Stages of Loss and Grief in Break Ups

If you have ever lost a loved one, you have probably experienced (or still experiencing) the seven stages of grief and loss. The seven stages are as follows:

1. Shock and Denial- Denying the reality of the loss in order to avoid pain. This also protects you from feeling overwhelmed by such grief.

2. Pain and Guilt- Once the shock wears off, it then becomes replaced by pain, guilt, remorse, and fear. You reflect on the good memories and wish you had done things differently.

3. Anger and Bargaining- Anger is primarily released and you begin to blame others for your loss. You can also start bargaining, perhaps to a  higher power, trading something in order to get your loved one back.

4. Depression, Reflection, Loneliness- You then begin to experience a period of sadness and will experience the true magnitude of your pain. The memories become stronger and everything you say or do reminds you of your loved one. This may convince you to isolate yourself, avoiding those things that would bring on those memories.

5. The Upward Turn - This stage involves adjusting to this new life. You begin to become calm and symptoms of your depression begin to subside.

6. Reconstruction and Working Through-  Your functionality increases and you find yourself seeking realistic solutions to everyday problems

7. Acceptance and Hope- You are finally beginning to accept your reality and are ready to move forward. Even though you still feel sad, it is not crippling enough to prevent you from completing your daily tasks and it does not take away much from your happiness. 

Now, take some time and reflect on these stages and see how it can be applied to breakups. Though breakups are in no way the same as losing a loved one to illness or death, but it is comparable to the pain we feel over the death of a relationship, especially if it was not your call.

How can we apply these stages to a breakup?

1. Shock and Denial- Denying the reality of the loss in order to avoid pain. At the onset of the breakup, you may not even believe that it has happened. You may begin to think that this is temporary and that he or she will change their mind and find their way back to you.

2. Pain and Guilt- Once the shock wears off, it then becomes replaced by pain, guilt, remorse, and fear. You reflect on the good memories and wish you had done things differently. You begin to recollect all the good times and start to question whether you said or did the right things. You wonder if by changing something in the past, you could have prevented the breakup.

3. Anger and Bargaining- You begin to blame others for your loss. You can also start bargaining, perhaps to a  higher power, trading something in order to get your loved one back. Other than yourself, who else can you blame for the breakup? Maybe if your family didn't get in the way. Maybe if your career didn't get in the way. You turn to a higher power to bring your ex-partner back into your life.

4. Depression, Reflection, Loneliness- You then begin to experience a period of sadness and will experience the true magnitude of your pain. Reality has sunk in and you are beginning to realize that he or she is not coming back. Suddenly everything reminds you of them. From walks in the park to the light post at the end of the street, you see them everywhere. You may even begin to feel so hurt that you don't think it's possible to love again.

5. The Upward Turn - This stage involves adjusting to this new life. You begin to become calm and symptoms of your depression begin to subside. It's time to move on. It's time to create this new chapter in your life without this person.

6. Reconstruction and Working Through-  Your functionality increases and you find yourself seeking realistic solutions to everyday problems. You're starting to come into your own in this new chapter of your life. 

7. Acceptance and Hope- You are finally beginning to accept your reality and are ready to move forward. Even though you still feel sad, it is not crippling enough to prevent you from completing your daily tasks and it does not take away much from your happiness. Prospects of future relationships excite you and you are ready to re-enter the dating scene. 

It's important to remember that we all deal with grief differently. Some go through all seven stages, some stay stuck at a stage, while others can go back and forth between stages. What's important is that we move towards acceptance and hope. Breakups are hard, but not impossible to get over. We may even be 100% over a breakup, but what gives us hope is that we are constantly working towards it.